As Dorothy would say- there's no place like home

"4th and final day,I'm going home!!"

Baby behind bars

A visit from Bubby

We came home Friday afternoon and it's been nothing but a whirlwind since. It's always good to come home but hard to get caught up. The house doesn't clean itself. Bills keep coming, food rots, dogs that are deprived of their master get board...and naughty.

I don't come home well rested, because it's nearly impossible to get any sleep when we are admitted to the hospital. So that means I am emotionally drained cause I've held it together for so long as I've needed to be it 4 days or 24... I miss my James terribly while I'm there because he is so busy working and caring for Jonah that his visits have to be relatively brief. Our thanks to Grandmums and others that help with Jones too...

Just to make things more interesting this week, I slept wrong the first night in the hospital because I woke up and was unable to use my right hand...and haven't been able to use it much since. I was diagnosed with Radial Nerve Palsy which is just a fancy way of saying a pinched nerve. So now with physical therapy and a sweet brace I'm on my way to a short, full recovery. I'm no good without 2 hands that work, 2 kids require a bare minimum of 2 hands.

LuLu is doing well. We are giving her the IV antibiotics 3 times a day. It feels like much more work than it sounds. It is a sterile procedure which is anxiety provoking and time consuming. We have to start them at 9, noon and 1 am and it takes 70minutes each time time. So instead of going to bed for an hour or 2 one of us stays up til the 1 AM dose to start it...then instead of going back to bed for an hour and 10 minutes and being more disoriented and possibly slipping up on the "sterile-ness" of it all, it makes more sense to wait. Tiring-yes. Would I rather do this than be in the hospital for 14 days more days-you betcha.

I do try to stay positive for as long as I can and as much as I can. It's easier to smile and say I'm fine than give someone a sob story. But, I'd be a liar not to admit that sometimes our life has felt like more than we can handle. That sometimes I just cry and want a break from hospitals and worry. I wonder when will we not feel so upside down and inside out? Pulled in so many directions. Soon, I hope. I'm tired, worn down and burnt out at times. I'm not complaining...I'm just on my way to making a point. Would I have it any other way?- No, because that would mean either London would not have made it or we would NOT have had a year full of hard but rich experiences nor met many wonderful people that we love so dearly.

I'll say it now. I wouldn't have survived losing her. My heart would still beat because I have Jonah and James to live for but I would feel dead inside. My heart is ever so heavy for Mums and Dads that have lost a child. So, I do feel lucky I am ABLE to do all we "do," cause LuLu is here with us. I'm not writing this for ANY sympathy or any praise. So please...no comments of sympathy on me or praise for me. I'm writing this cause I hope that others going through difficult times similar to ours don't feel abnormal if they feel like giving up at times. Or, can't smile for another second. Or, just cant bring themselves to returning phone calls or cleaning their houses or not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Been there, done that...

I did want to be really private about "this" because I think at the time I was a little ashamed or embarrassed. But since our life has been very un-private this last year as I've been open to sharing our journey with anyone that wanted to come along-I feel it fair to share "this" too.

I am lucky to have an uncle who is so good to me in every way. He always has been, I've been spoiled by him (them) for as long as I can remember. I've never in my life needed any help from him "professionally," until last year. He is a psychiatrist, a very good one at that. I didn't think I was clinically depressed or had anxiety (who was I kidding?)...I just needed to keep pushing through, all things come to an end eventually, right? (side note: he treated Heather Armstrong, a local, famous Bloggy Mum--she sings him praises in her book about fighting depression--I read my uncles "signed" copy a few months ago :))

Needless to say I started an anti-depressant several months ago. It has helped. I didn't think I needed them, definitely didn't want them, felt like if I started taking them that would mean I lost and everything that we were fighting won. I thought it would make me feel like I wasn't strong enough to get through all that was/is our life. My uncle helped me to realize it was my strength of character that had gotten me thus far and....I surrendered, quickly. I feel no shame in taking them and would encourage people that need to seek a little help--to do so. (despite what Tom Cruise might think...) Whether it's for a temporary time like myself or life long for those who battle chronic depression or other problems, it takes a big person to be open to getting to the bottom of it. I am waiting a few more weeks until we are moved and settled then I will start getting off of them. I will say I am grateful for a glimpse of what depression feels like, I am a different type of empathetic for others who struggle-battle-fight it daily. When you are doing all you can--and it's still not feeling better, ask for help. NO SHAME IN IT. (Since posting this I've had a few friends email me with more questions...feel free to do so in confidence if you want to- elizabethbarnum@hotmail.com)

I must also say when life has felt the roughest reaching out to someone else in need has saved me. My family is first, James, London and Jonah's needs always met. But in order to HELP ME, getting outside of my own problems has made me better and helped me deal with my own life. Service is a great remedy for most all problems or at least puts your own troubles into perspective. Try it. You'll like it. (...as DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba would say. :))

xoxo

lizzie

(an often times frazzled-trying to keep it all together, yet always grateful) Alpha-1, Liver Mum