Thursday, November 19, 2009

A long day & longer night...


anxiously waiting....
Yesterday was my angio, still a chance I'd be her donor (50/50). I kept my thinking positive up to the second the surgeon came in to talk to us. We arrived at noon, did a lot of waiting. My procedure finally got started at 4:00pm, the angio lab looked space-aged and very sterile. I asked them to put on some music, listened to Bret Dennon as I got the good stuff, although I was singing Bob Marley in my head. Kept asking them for more and more of the sedation drugs in hopes they could turn my mind off for the first time in months and to possibly numb me for the bad news that might follow. The guy finally told me, "the procedure is over, we can't give you anymore" Darn.


The timeline is a blur but I remember my mom was there waiting for me when I got back to my room, just as she'd been waiting with me before I left. Dr. Vander Werf came in to tell us a very clear no, I don't have the right arterial makeup. It would pose greater risks to both me and London. My mom was sobbing, so was I. After he left I told my mom I was mad at God for not making me right, she said not to be mad at Him for long. I wasn't. I know I need to have more faith in Him. He knows better than I do where I can best serve London best and that will be by her side. I'd do anything for that scar, to give my child life-again.


But I will be able to send her into surgery with a kiss and be the first thing she sees when she comes to. I'll be what she feels day and night. Just like I felt the comfort of my own mom on this horrible day for me. Among the crying, being in and out of consciousness, I felt some peace...just before I became very nauseous and fainted. :)
Today, it all feels like a bad dream that I keep trying to recall.


I must look at the bright side and say I am extremely grateful we have other options. Jame's CT scan is tomorrow. If that is not optimal they have worked up our next 2 candidates who will be ready for CT's as well. Usually they do not work up more than 1 person at a time, or so quickly but we have a surgery date of DECEMBER 14Th. It is just around the corner, a few weeks away, 25 DAYS away to be exact. (yes, I'm freaking out) We hoped she would be 2 before we'd be talking "transplant" and now it is only 6 days after her 1st birthday. I guess the gift of a health is the best gift she could get.


Please check out Lulu's liver friend Eden who is recovering DAY 9 from her transplant at PCMC and looking B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! http://utahlais.blogspot.com/



There is another adorable little girl Lydia that we met last week in Dr. Books office who will have a transplant in the months to come. All three girls have such a brightness about them. I told my sister Cyd about Lydia and Eden and she quickly called them the "Sisterhood of the Transplanted Livers"-very cute. I hope they will be special life long friends.
A HUGE thanks to Nana for watching Jones and Lulu all day, it's a comfort knowing they are in good hands when I can't be there myself.

12 comments:

Julia said...

Love you to infinity, Lizzie.

nennermommy said...

I know you don't know me, but I will donate! I am not joking I would in a heartbeat!!

I am so sorry your baby is sick :( xoxoxox

Jo Lynn said...

My heart is breaking and I have tears welling in my eyes as I read your post. I'm so sorry you weren't the right match, but you are right about being right their by her side and that will be more than you could ever give her. Please keep us posted on when they find the right match and let us know if their will be a family/friend fast so my family can be apart of that! That's wonderful to hear about these other little girls who are fighting the same fight, hope is a beautiful thing! Hang in there, glad your sweet Mom was there to comfort you.

Douglas Lai said...

Hope things go well with the other tests. Sorry things did not work out for you to be a donor. I have had high blood pressure since I was 20 so I wasn't even an option.

Willy Happy Mama said...

Liz,
Don't be discouraged for long. You are so brave and strong. There is always hope and I feel a miracle is just around the bend. Love and prayers my friend from our family to yours.
Julie :) xoxo

Amanda said...

Oh Liz, it breaks my heart to hear this. I am so sorry you are not a donor, but your right about being by her side! I hope and pray she will get her donor soon!! I know she will, I don't know why God makes us go through things like this in life, but it for a reason. Hang in, you are so strong!
xoxo

Marcae said...

London is one special girl who came to one special mama! There are many blessings and miracles to be had. Hang in there!!
Love you!

Karen said...

...sounds like you are hanging in there, Lizzie. It's ok to be mad at God.....He so understands!....and He knows exactly what He's doing even tho we can't fathom His plan. Stay strong!I'm thinking of your family and the other girls you mentioned in ur blog today.

Erica said...

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out for you to be her donor. Place your trust in Gods hands and he will find the perfect liver for her. Easier said then done I realize. I love your sister's name for our girls. It will be nice for them to grow up knowing that they have each other to relate with. Stay strong it will all work out in the end and good news is you will be there for her when she wakes up.

AshleyS said...

Liz I'm so sorry! We pray for you guys every night in our family prayers. You're outlook continues to amaze me, you're an amazing mommy. Love you guys.

Carli said...

I am hoping and praying that all goes right. I know it is hard to just put your trust in the lord, especially since you just want your baby better right now! just know that everyone is here for you and praying for the best.

LeeAnn said...

You are the perfect match as mother and daughter. I am glad she is yours and you are hers! I am sorry you are not the perfect liver match but you are in good hands, our Heaven Father's. We love and pray for your family.

 

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