A long day & longer night...

anxiously waiting....

Yesterday was my angio, still a chance I'd be her donor (50/50). I kept my thinking positive up to the second the surgeon came in to talk to us. We arrived at noon, did a lot of waiting. My procedure finally got started at 4:00pm, the angio lab looked space-aged and very sterile. I asked them to put on some music, listened to Bret Dennon as I got the good stuff, although I was singing Bob Marley in my head. Kept asking them for more and more of the sedation drugs in hopes they could turn my mind off for the first time in months and to possibly numb me for the bad news that might follow. The guy finally told me, "the procedure is over, we can't give you anymore" Darn.

The timeline is a blur but I remember my mom was there waiting for me when I got back to my room, just as she'd been waiting with me before I left. Dr. Vander Werf came in to tell us a very clear no, I don't have the right arterial makeup. It would pose greater risks to both me and London. My mom was sobbing, so was I. After he left I told my mom I was mad at God for not making me right, she said not to be mad at Him for long. I wasn't. I know I need to have more faith in Him. He knows better than I do where I can best serve London best and that will be by her side. I'd do anything for that scar, to give my child life-again.

But I will be able to send her into surgery with a kiss and be the first thing she sees when she comes to. I'll be what she feels day and night. Just like I felt the comfort of my own mom on this horrible day for me. Among the crying, being in and out of consciousness, I felt some peace...just before I became very nauseous and fainted. :)

Today, it all feels like a bad dream that I keep trying to recall.

I must look at the bright side and say I am extremely grateful we have other options. Jame's CT scan is tomorrow. If that is not optimal they have worked up our next 2 candidates who will be ready for CT's as well. Usually they do not work up more than 1 person at a time, or so quickly but we have a surgery date of DECEMBER 14Th. It is just around the corner, a few weeks away, 25 DAYS away to be exact. (yes, I'm freaking out) We hoped she would be 2 before we'd be talking "transplant" and now it is only 6 days after her 1st birthday. I guess the gift of a health is the best gift she could get.

Please check out Lulu's liver friend Eden who is recovering DAY 9 from her transplant at PCMC and looking B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! http://utahlais.blogspot.com/

There is another adorable little girl Lydia that we met last week in Dr. Books office who will have a transplant in the months to come. All three girls have such a brightness about them. I told my sister Cyd about Lydia and Eden and she quickly called them the "Sisterhood of the Transplanted Livers"-very cute. I hope they will be special life long friends.

A HUGE thanks to Nana for watching Jones and Lulu all day, it's a comfort knowing they are in good hands when I can't be there myself.