She's not a reject! ;)

...I already knew SHE wasn't but her liver isn't rejecting either. (don't think I've used that horrible term since 7th grade) So now we just need to find out what IS going on with her liver. Really, I should say "their" liver. I'll always think of it as Ashley's too.

The biopsy showed inflammation/hepatitis which isn't a good thing. Tomorrow she'll have more testing, an ultrasound and venogram. This will give them a good look at her liver and check for clotting where her and Ashley's veins connect. I don't have a lot of information right now but am looking forward to rounds tomorrow so I can pick Q. Books amazing brain. (or whichever amazing GI Doc Brain is on service) I'm relieved but also scared. I wanted her cold a few weeks ago to be the last thing to get her down, for a while at least.

My Mum came up last night with her overnight bag and forced me home to sleep in my bed with my James. I fell asleep to him rubbing my scalp and tickling my back. It was so strange to wake up together in a house without our kids. One at NaNas the other at the hospital. It's still weird that this is our life. I am grateful for the good night sleep I got and for the cozy cushion my Mom left behind on my chair-that-converts-to-a-tiny-bed at the hospital. She is to me what I am to Lu and Jones. Their comforter, their best friend, their number one fan, someone who will love them no matter what. I can't believe I am THAT to two perfect little humans of my own and my Mom is still that to me 29 years later.

My Mom went through a lot to have me. I caused severe complications during her pregnancy that were life threatening to her and more so during delivery. Her Doctor highly recommended she abort me several times and save herself and preserve the family she already had. She wouldn't. He wouldn't. My poor Dad having to face the possibility of being a young widower with 5 kids all 18-months apart and losing his sweetheart. They didn't even flirt with the idea, her Doctor probably thought them crazy. They had faith it would work out and she already loved me enough that she would have died trying. They were willing to sacrifice so much to bring me into their family. I can understand now being a parent myself. I would sacrifice anything, myself included to save my family. That is why I was so hurt when I couldn't be the one to save LuLu and give her MY liver. Moms want to make things better. I just want to make her better.

So, my plan for now is to buck up--face a few more days in the hospital with London and many more hospital stays in the future. I'll be happy to be here and stop mourning what I'd really like for us to be doing. I am her Mum and will continue to do whatever it takes. We have HER. It's amazing.

She doesn't nap well in the hospital. I know, go figure. A well lit, noisy room with people coming in and out and me sitting here trying not to make eye contact doesn't scream "I want to go to sleep" for a one year old. So after a few hours of her pittering and pattering in her metal crib I decided to climb in with her. It was a beautiful experience. After many little fingers up my nose, in my eye and trying to pry open my mouth she finally settled down and I got to sleep next to my baby, who will not be a baby much longer. And what if she's my last baby? I've always wanted three but as I've learned life doesn't always go as planned. There are a lot of logistics for us to now think of with having a third. So for now I'll savor her as if she were my last but hope one day she will be a big sister.

More news tomorrow, hopes to get to the bottom of this.

xoxo

lizzie

alpha-1, liver mum