Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 18 & 1/2

It's the middle of the night and I cant sleep. LuLu is in Neverland, hopefully dreaming of fairies and puppies and horses...good things that would make a baby girls subconscious happy.

I just feel bothered, unsettled. It could be many different things, because at every given moment my (our) life feels upside down and inside out. Torn in different directions- I'm either missing Jonah on weekdays or missing Lu Kate on weekends and at all times missing my husband. I do see him most days but it's relatively brief. I don't get to fall asleep with him or be kissed by him in the morning before he leaves me for work and I miss that a lot. Our poor dogs are a bit neglected but at least they've got eachother and free reign over the whole house.

What IS presently bothering me is that no matter how you cut it, we are waiting for a baby to die. I'm not wishing for it, I'm not wanting it, but it will happen. For months our plan had always been to have a live donor I didn't really have to think much about this. It also made me glad that we may be able to free up 1 more liver for someone waiting for it that couldn't have a live donor.

I know logically that people die, children die, babies die. Their dying is out of my control. And I am beyond grateful that we have the knowledge, medicine and incredible doctors to create such miracles out of death. When I am having to explain our situation to a kind curious nurse, or neighbor, or friend my throat starts to close and I struggle for air. I get this burning, tightening sensation in my throat and I cant get words out, tears start to stain my face. And I have to stop talking about it. I am thinking of my girlfriends who've lost babys and it's hard to think of benefiting from a loss like theirs.

I am grieving for that family, whomever they might be, where ever they are. I wonder if their child is chronically ill or if the death will be something sudden and they will still make that difficult decision to give life despite their own loss. I will greive for them while Lu is in surgery, receiving the gift they gave. I will grieve her whole life for the babys life that was lost, all the while having gratitude that London was made whole.

I will be sick for that mom that wants to die, because her baby is no longer in her arms. I would want to die too. And that is why I feel heartbroken tonight and every night as I lay thinking about this wonderful yet horrible process of organ donation.

Now I am very tired and ready to fall asleep, I hope.


Sarah said...

dear, sweet lizzie. i hope you're dreaming of pudgy armed hugs and sloppy wet kisses... good things that would make a mum's subconscious happy. {{hugs from across the world}}

Sarah said...

This makes me cry thinking of your pain. A pain that is still fresh for me. I had and hated those same thoughts that you stuggle with right now. It's a terrible tearing feeling and still almost a year post transplant, not a day goes by that I don't think of and cry for Mackenzie's donor family.

I hope what a donor Mom told me can help bring you a little bit of peace, as it did me. She told me that her daughter did not die so that other's could live. The Lord does not pick and choose that way. A donor's death helps others live. It's a small but distinct difference.

We are continuing to pray for your peace, LuLu's health, and that God to provide a donor.

Markalie said...

Liz this makes me so sad and I am all choked up right now. I want you to know that it is going to be alright and the parents of that child you get the liver from will be blessed for their decision and they will be okay to. I think it will make them feel better that they were able to save another childs life in time. Keep you head up. I love ya and will continue to pray for you and your family. Love ya!

Utah McMonsters said...

Oh Lizzie, I am so sorry for your heartache! I know this has to be hard. Long story short, Brads (my husband) dad needed a transplant and FINALLY got it over the weekend. I had a hard time knowing that someone else died to give my FIL his. it is bitter sweet and I am sure you will be most grateful!!! I hope things get better for you and your family this year.
SIDENOTE: You are looking so GORGEOUS, along with that little princess of yours!!!!!!

Natalie said...


My heart goes out to you and your family. Ever since I have heard about you and your BEAUTIFUL baby girls situation my heart has ached for you. I am sorry I could not make it to the boutique, but I talked to Tab and she told me that there is a fund set up at Zion's Bank. I know it won't be much, but I will do whatever I can to help. You will be in my prayers always.


Natalie Syphus

Renee Quintana said...

Your strength is commendable! LuLu is blessed to have you by her side. I'm sure that the rest of the family who don't have the time to spend there with both of you wish they were there with you every day.
Enjoy this time with your baby girl and treasure every moment you have with her. When she gets her new liver time will fly by with such grace.
You and Lulu are in my prayers

Renee Quintana

Cydnee said...

Liz, you are such a tender-heart...thinking of others in your difficult time. Love ya so much!

Dale and Tabitha said...

Lizzie, I am so sorry that you are in this heartache and pain. I know that I would feel the same way.

You are BY FAR the most kind hearted human being I have EVER met. I know that everything will be blissful for you and your family after the transplant and recovery. I imagine us having awesome dinosaur and garden play dates next summer. We can talk about our trials with our 4 and 2year olds. Go out on lunches, maybe a little shopping and talk about how you overcomed the hardest trial you had to ever face. The future is exciting to think about for you and can't wait to see how beautiful Lulu will be when she is playing with my studly little man, James. Love you.

Erica said...

I thought I commented on this yesterday. I guess not. Anyway I just wanted to let you know I am sending hugs and prayers your way.


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